LOVE LOST AND ESTABLISHING HER PERSONAL STRENGTH
This is a follow on from a previous couple of emails about a relationship she had been hanging onto inappropriately, where the male had little responsibility in life and relationships. I answered in caps, with all the subject links going to The Main Site.
Hi keith, I need your help with literature on how to stay strong and over come the breakup.
A COUNSELOR TO TALK IT OUT WITH IS, OF COURSE, OF HELP. I AM NOT CONVINCED AT ALL THAT TALKING IT OUT WITH GIRLFRIENDS IS VERY HELPFUL, AS IT MAY BE THE BLIND GIVING ADVICE TO THE BLIND OR A PITY PARTY WHERE THE "STORIES" ARE PERPETUATED, PRACTICED, AND PERFECTED. LONG TERM IT IS ABOUT RESTRUCTURING SOME OF YOUR BELIEFS AND LEARNING "WHAT WORKS" IN LIFE, WHICH I CAN GIVE SOME SUGGESTIONS ON, BUT YOU MIGHT WANT TO START WITH THE BARKSDALE STUFF (SEE THE LINK BELOW). MOST EVERYBODY HAS ACCUMULATED A "NEGATIVES PORTFOLIO" BUT I THINK VIRTUALLY EVERYONE SHOULD CREATE A "POSITIVES PORTFOLIO" - YOU MIGHT WANT TO TRY IT - AND REVIEW IT DAILY FOR A FEW WEEKS. THE PROCESS OF PUTTING SUCH A PORTFOLIO TOGETHER CAN BE QUITE FORTIFYING, AS WE OFTEN FOCUS ON "WHAT'S MISSING".
I feel used and cheated out.
READ LIFE CODE, DR. PHIL MCGRAW (FIRST HALF INCLUDES SOME THINGS RELEVANT TO YOUR OLD BOYFRIEND). ALSO, MCGRAW'S BOOK "LOVE SMART".
He told me that he doesn't love me and that he wants me to get a boyfriend so that we can get along.
YES, THAT IS A GOOD IDEA, BUT CERTAINLY NOT A DEMAND HE CAN MAKE - IT'S JUST HIS WISH TO NOT FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE OR RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU.
He said he had" kept me from getting close to him by cutting communication with me long ago. we talked he just stopped sharing anything important." Bottom line I am not for him; he has made sure of that (YEP, HE LACKS THE INTEGRITY YOU DESERVE IN A RELATIONSHIP) and I have been acting out like I did when I was younger.
THAT IS POSSIBLE. TO THE EXTENT THAT WE ARE STILL STUCK IN THE BELIEFS OF A CHILD, WE WILL TEND TO DO WHAT A CHILD WILL DO, AS PART OF OUR BELIEF CAN BE THAT WE MUST BE LOVED TO BE OK (SURVIVE WELL) BECAUSE WE ARE DEPENDENT ON ANOTHER FOR SURVIVAL. ON THE SITE ARE "POWERLESS" AND "DEPENDENT" AND THEN FOLLOW SOME OF THE LINKS. LONG TERM, ALTHOUGH THIS IS NOT ON RELATIONSHIPS PER SE, THIS IS ABOUT REALITY THINKING WHICH IS WELL-COVERED, I THINK, IN BARKSDALEABOUTLIFE.COM.
I don't know the incident but I can see the way I am being is not serving me right now.
CORRECT AND AN APPROPRIATE OBSERVATION, AS LONG AS THERE IS NO IMPLIED SELF-MAKE-WRONG ABOUT IT. YOU SIMPLY HAD NOT YET LEARNED WHAT WAS NEEDED TO CORRECT OLD BELIEFS (A BELIEF IS ABOUT THINKING THAT A PARTICULAR RESULT WILL COME FROM A PARTICULAR ACTION).
The thing is that I know I am enough and that I am better than this I have been after reconnecting with him.
YES, BUT BE CAREFUL ON THE WORD "BETTER" AS IT CAN SOMETIMES IMPLY THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU, INSTEAD OF THE FACT THAT YOU MERELY HAD A LACK OF KNOWING (WHICH IS NOT A FAULT!).
I feel the betrayal because he never told me he was holding from me. so I was running around trying to reconnect with him. and it made me look so pathetic.
YES, HE "BETRAYED" YOU, IN A SENSE, AS THERE IS AN ASSUMPTION THAT THERE WAS AN IMPLICIT CONTRACT - WHICH, IN FACT, THERE WASN'T ANY SUCH THING. ONLY EXPLICIT AGREEMENTS ARE AGREEMENTS - YET THEY CAN ALSO BE VIOLATED.
ALTHOUGH YOU ARE MAKING UP THAT IT MADE YOU LOOK SO PATHETIC, THAT IS A "MADE-UP", LOOKING THROUGH OTHER'S EYES AT HOW YOU MUST BE SEEN AND LOOKED DOWN UPON. HOWEVER, WHAT HE THINKS ACTUALLY MEANS NOTHING IN THE REAL WORLD. (BETRAYAL IS INCLUDED AS AN ITEM ON THE PROCESS FOR FORGIVING - THE PROCESSING FORM. )
I just need to gt strong again.
YEP. YOU NEED TO REINFORCE YOUR POWERFULNESS. I'VE STARTED A "SUPER-BOOK" OUTLINE, WITH LINKS, THAT I WILL LATER TRIM DOWN OR PUT INTO PIECES, PLUS A FEW SIMPLIFIED MINI-BOOKLETS. IT IS ABOUT CREATING A LONG TERM "BUILD" - LINK: THE CONTENTS FOR "IMPLEMENTING HAPPINESS".
I am still letting him use the internet and cable and has key to my car.
OOPS. I SUGGEST YOU CONSIDER SEVERING EVERYTHING - AND THAT YOU AGREE THAT YOU TWO CANNOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP, SO THAT IT IS REASONABLE TO STOP PROVIDING THOSE THINGS TO HIM - OTHERWISE IT CAN BE MESSY - AND HE IS STILL TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU. TO KEEP REWARDING SOMEONE FOR IMPROPER CONDUCT TOWARD YOU IS A WAY OF SELLING YOUR INTEGRITY DOWN THE STREET, IN A PACT WITH THE DEVIL, SO TO SPEAK - A PACT THAT HAS NO PAYOFF! YOU ARE NOT IN THE CHARITY BUSINESS... SEE "BOUNDARIES" (enter term in the search engine).
I'M NOT SURE WHERE YOU LIVE BUT IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO CONSIDER TAKING THE LANDMARK FORUM TO JUMP FORWARD MORE QUICKLY.
I live in Carlsbad and have done landmark. (Yes, I recalled, later, that you both had taken it. Perhaps a review is in order then, as you might be ready to see things from a different point of view.) He is one that introduced me to It. He hates it when I bring it up with him. He told me long ago Landmark were tools for us to better our game.
I know I handed him my power
THIS PHRASE IS INACCURATE AND IT CAN BE MISLEADING. YOU DID, OF COURSE, FAIL TO USE YOUR POWER AND YOU OPERATED FROM SOME KIND OF FEAR PARADIGM (FEAR OF NOT BEING LOVED - AND THEN YOU HAD THAT MEAN SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE - SEE DIFFERENTIATING BETWEEN REAL AND FALSE THREATS.
and I have old beliefs. In Hispanic culture at least my immediate family we stand by ours n (boyfriend). Not a weakness it's strength.
YES, THE CONCEPT IS ABOUT STRENGTH, THOUGH WHEN IT IS NOT FULLY UNDERSTOOD IT CAN BECOME A FALSE BELIEF. HE WAS NOT YET, NOR HAD HE EARNED HIS WAY INTO THAT "IMMEDIATE FAMILY" OR "YOUR MAN" CATEGORY. THERE ARE LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES. IT IS MEANT PRIMARILY AS A STANDING BY THE OTHERS THROUGH TOUGH TIMES AND SLIPUPS, BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN DOING IT IN AN ABUSIVE SITUATION. (YES, LACK OF RESPECT, TAKING ADVANTAGE OF SOMEONE, DERIDING SOMEONE - ALL OF THOSE ARE FORMS OF ABUSE - AND ULTIMATELY ALIENATION, BASICALLY A WITHDRAWING FROM THE "YOUR MAN" CATEGORY.)
I was so confused & in denial. He was being disrespectful and justified for awhile and for me where I'm at. I told him I'm strong and good woman he said stand up for self then and show him that I am. I think I became a coward afraid of his bullying and threats of leaving I would so beat to not upset him. I know not good. Now he wants to hold few incidents against me and forget of all good I brought him. THAT IS ABOUT HIM, NOT ABOUT YOU. THE RIGHT GUY WOULD NOT BE THINKING THAT WAY. OF COURSE, WE ALL TEND TO BE IN DENIAL AND NOT LOOK AT WHAT IS GOING ON, WHILE WE INSECURELY HANG ON TO WHAT WE THINK WE NEED (APPROVAL OR LOVE FROM ANOTHER). LOOKING EARLY AND REALIZING THAT PAST BEHAVIOR VERY STRONGLY INDICATES FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS WISE - AND MOVING VERY QUICKLY IS ESSENTIAL. IT IS NOT A MATTER OF INNATE INTELLIGENCE, BUT IT IS A MATTER OF FOLLOWING WHAT "SUCCEEDERS" IN LIFE DO: Living Life As A Life Champion.
YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING NOW - AND YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY. OF COURSE, IN ANYTHING NEW, YOU'LL MAKE SOME MISTAKES - BUT ALL MISTAKES INDICATE IS THAT YOU DO NOT YET KNOW HOW TO DO SOMETHING, SO THE SOLUTION IS ALWAYS TO LEARN WHAT TO DO THAT WORKS. IT WOULD BE EXCELLENT FOR YOU TO FIND A MENTOR OR SOMEONE WHO YOU CAN EMULATE WHO IS WISE AND HAS THE LIFE YOU WOULD LIKE - THAT IS THE WAY TO LEARN THE MOST QUICKLY, PLUS YOU WILL BETTER FORMULATE THE IDEA OF WHO YOU CAN AND WANT TO BE, AS THE OLD MODELS WERE NOT GOOD ONES (ONLY BECAUSE THEY HAD NOT YET FORMULATED THE WISDOM NEEDED, MOSTLY RELYING ON "OLD WISDOM" PASSED DOWN FROM GENERATIONG TO GENERATION, BUT WITH FLAWS AND A FEW MISSING DETAILS.
YOU'LL DO FINE IF YOU FOLLOW THE PATH AND DO AS MUCH LEARNING AS YOU CAN AS FAST AS YOU CAN, SUCH AS IN USING THE LIFE IMPROVEMENT JOURNAL APPROACH.
(YES, YOU DO HAVE SOME "HOMEWORK" TO DO. YOU'LL GET TO THE POINT WHERE YOU CAN DO IT ALL, BUT START FIRST WITH THE SELF-CARE AND POSITIVES PORTFOLIO STUFF! WHEN YOU'RE ABLE TO BE "SELF-SUFFICIENT" YOU BECOME "INVULNERABLE" AND NOT DEPENDENT ON OUTCOMES FROM "OUT THERE" - THEN ALL THAT YOU GET FROM "OUT THERE" IS SIMPLY A BONUS BUT NOT A NECESSITY!!!!
Continued in a different format of her email first and then my answer:
Also It's hard with him living above me. I take away them i feel bad and give back its like I'm nuts. But I just feel bad cuz I have cable anyways so shouldn't be mean.
Yes, you get to smile and wave and be nice but not to engage in any relationship like that beyond the superficial.
It is "tough" to let people fend for themselves, but rescuing them does not actually lead to anything good, as they have no opportunity to learn to be responsible for themselves. If you show them that they can take advantage of someone else and manipulate other people to get what they want, they learn to continue to do what sucks life out of others.
It is a misbelief to believe that it is mean to not give someone what they need to be responsible for in the first place - especially if it is technically illegal (and a shortcut around personal responsibility).
Severing the relationship with anyone with lack of integrity is a progressive and healthy move. Holding on to anything toxic or "not in integrity" is not healthy. This is about "taking a stand" for yourself and the power of who you can be - using your "good spirit" together with added wisdom (which is attainable) to contribute to others who can use the boost toward something that is good - probably even getting to the point where you can be an example and a model to others who have fallen into the cultural drift and are selling themselves short in life.